Honestly, though.

Hi, my name is Bekah, and I’m a wallflower. 

This isn’t a bad thing.
I have a harder time in group settings–well, mainly large group settings with people that I don’t know. 
If I have history with people and know them pretty well, then a large group really isn’t that bad. 

I’m sure all of you are wondering why I’m even writing this right now. 
Well, because I’m processing through an experience I had the other night. 
It wasn’t bad. 
But it left me questioning a lot of what I know to be true about myself. 
It left me with a lot of fears rising up.
It left me feeling that something was wrong with the way that I’m wired. 

We’re doing this really cool thing–one of the girls started it–where the CGA houses are hosting each other in order to promote unity and community. 

So my house was invited over to the guys’ house for dinner one day last week. 
I was simultaneously looking forward to it and freaking out about it all at the same time. 

Throughout the day, I was trying to give myself a pep talk–saying that I would be able to be myself, that I wouldn’t feel awkward, that I was going to be SO TALKATIVE that people wouldn’t even know what to do with me. I was intentionally being quiet throughout the day so that I would have energy to give while we were sitting around the table at dinner. 

But as soon as I walked through the front door, my heart sank. 
All I wanted to do was shrink against the wall. 
I felt so uncomfortable. 
And I wanted to leave. 
Instead, I sat (literally in the corner–because there was a couch there) and observed.

We ate dinner (which was delicious). And then we played a game. And then we left. 

After getting into the car, I immediately started processing through what I just went through–and why I was reacting the way I was, and really still am. 

The thing is–this whole experience brought up a lot of things in my heart that I need Papa to work on. 
There are a lot of fears and insecurities concerning guys. 

I’ve been talking a lot to a few of my close friends about this. 
How I felt like I didn’t present myself well that night.
How all I wanted to do was give them a better idea of who I am.
How sometimes I wish I could be that person who is more outgoing around people I don’t know.
How this whole experience brings up fears about never getting married/never being pursued because I’m just the quiet girl who doesn’t say anything. 

But I haven’t been just talking about all those things. 
I’ve also been speaking truth over my life. 

Because the TRUTH is:
That night, I was operating as the person the Lord made me to be. I’m not a flashy person. I’m not the most talkative in group settings. I was being the quiet, observant person the Lord made me to be. And that’s good. It’s totally okay for me to be my quiet self around people I don’t know well. 

The Lord’s also been talking to me about my relationships with guys. 
What I know: I have a hard time being friends with single guys. I’ve had some friendships in the past where I have been emotionally tossed about, and so I just don’t trust “friendships.” I can be acquaintances. But that’s about it.
And so I’ve always been afraid that because I’m not friends with a bunch of guys, there’s never going to be a guy who will pursue me or whatever. 
I’ve had to learn what my boundaries with guys are.
And the Lord has been reminding me that I’m being picky about who I allow to have access to my life and heart. And that’s good. I can’t allow every single guy in my life to have access to my heart strings. (You could say that I don’t believe that single men and single women can be best friends. This is especially true in my life.)
But I do believe that I will have a best guy friend.
My husband will be my best friend, the person who knows some of the deepest parts of my heart. And that’s not to be taken lightly or freely given away. 

The Lord knows that the man who pursues me is going to have to fight for my heart, but do it with gentleness and kindness. 
And that’s a beautiful thing. 
He knows that I spook easily and I want to run and hide. 
So I’m thankful Jesus knows me so intimately and is fighting harder for my heart–both to protect it and to win it over–and that He’s going to bring a guy into my life who will pursue me and win me over. 

I don’t have any “aha” moments. But I’m still working through this–processing through it all. And I’m letting the Lord keep teaching me through it.