Dear Dad–Real Life in the Land of Enchantment
Hey Dad,
When I first signed up for CGA, the Lord kept saying that this would be a season of receiving. I heard it myself–Him speaking directly to me–and I heard it through teammates. I knew that my time at CGA would be one of continued soul work/tending. He was preparing me for something He wanted me to just sit with and let Him do all the work.
So I came expectant–that He would show up and show me what I should be “receiving” in His time and in the right space.
And that’s what’s happening.
So, a few weeks ago now, the Lord started stirring something in me. I was sitting in Worship Track, and our guest speaker was talking about the Father’s heart. So I was by myself, listening to the Father. And He said that it was time to take off another layer.
Another layer of what?
Well, about 6 months ago, the Lord gave me a picture of my healing heart concerning your death. That He’s going to heal me layer by layer–giving me a chance to breathe in between the pain.
The reason He’s doing it this way?
I think it’s because I wasn’t ready to dive deep into what was really going on in my heart right after you passed away. He’s done so much in me over the last couple of years. We went another layer deep while I was on the Race around the time Papa Jim passed away.
But it’s time for another layer.
Last week around this time, we went through a Women’s Retreat called Beauty for Ashes, and the Lord started the process of peeling back this layer and laying the pain and hurt exposed for me to start processing through with Him.
It’s beautiful and hard all at the same time. I mean, I want to do this, but at the same time, my flesh is recoiling at the prospect of walking through this pain again. But I know this is what He’s bringing me to and through. Because He wants me to walk in a fuller sense of healing and restoration and freedom.
So we’re going to go to the deeps. I’m taking Jesus with me as I start to walk back through the memories I have leading up to your death. The Lord showed me a specific time frame He wants me to process through–the month I was home leading up to that day. And it’s hard.
I had a private blog that I kept up some during that time period. And this is a piece that the Lord and I are walking through together right now:
Real life talk happening: my dad’s dying. And apart from a miracle straight from the Lord’s Almighty hand, there is absolutely nothing we can do. A result of this doctor’s visit is an end to all treatment and also the calling in of hospice…
They came on Thursday. And they gave some pointers to help make my dad a little more comfortable in the house–which included elevating the furniture to make it easier to get in/out of, getting a little bit lower bed/one that is adjustable, getting him a wheelchair, and getting him some powerful pain meds to help ease some of his pain. Can we say overwhelming?
I got home from camp this afternoon, and my heart just broke all over again. My dad looks so broken and weak. He’s supposed to be strong, not weak. It’s so hard. So hard.
This has been a really hard week for my parents. I got a chance to run a couple errands with my mom, and she’s hurting so much.
It’s only going to get harder.
Walking through this isn’t easy. But I’m starting to catch glimpses of the freedom the Lord wants to bring me through it all. I never realized how much guilt, hopelessness, or helplessness I still carried around with me because of those memories.
And so as He walks me through them, with gentleness and love. So much love. He brings me comfort and peace. He replaces those feelings I had with hope. He comes in and shows me where He was in each situation.
There’s beauty in this walk. It can be a jumbled mess of emotions, but the Lord is helping me sort through things, helping me see clearer and clearer.
And it’s beautiful.
